i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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