the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
