I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
