just survived the first fart of the relationship.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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