Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
