I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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