you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
