peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
