scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
