Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
