Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I am spending my child support on dildos
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
