Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
