i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
