can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
