Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
