Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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