Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
