I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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