haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
