Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
