doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
