i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
3pm strippers are depressing
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
