Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
