Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My vagina is officially offended.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
