I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
