There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Randomize
