Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
