the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
