anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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