Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
