My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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