My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
