Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
