Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
