I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
