I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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