I wish I could teleport
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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