I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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