The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
