Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
