textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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