apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
