hotel room ftw
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
