I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
