My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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