Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
