What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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