Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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