I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
