Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
